Journal Entry: Sat Jul 5, 2014, 5:44 AM
I have no clue what's wrong with me and I want to scream because it's pissing me off so badly ughghghghg. I said weeks ago I'd be back, and literally, what have I done? Nothing. Nothing at all. I don't have the energy to go through my art messages and look at others' work which I find utterly awful, and I can't find the courage to pick up my tablet and start off any art. I started a personal peice for myself in January and it's sitting there literally abandoned and I don't know what's bloody wrong with myself because I've had a massive break from dA and what's worse is the fact that I have all the time in the world now to do things, but I'd much rather write or spend time on tumblr - which I think has made me lazy, since I prefer to scroll through the posts and now having to actually go through art peices here on dA still seems like such a task.
I mean sure, my screen is still dark and slightly broken so that's been holding off my art, but I'm still so disgusted with myself, because this stupid way of mine isn't any good on others. It's not like I don't have anything to draw; I really want to introduce my lovely new OC Glass to you all, and her time is way overdue, and I have all these sketches I could colour but I don't know what's wrong with me.
I definitely don't want to quit deviantART, and I'm going to make a much better effort now after I've written this, starting with RPs. I'm going to cut down the people I watch to those people I comment on, and check the rest of the artists to see if they have tumblr and everything. It'll be a start, I suppose.
It might be due to the fact I've now decided I want to be a writer when I'm older, as a side, and maybe be an English Teacher or something
though kids sometimes irratate me so I'd like to see how that's going to work and I'm now about 35,000 words through my second novel and I'm still in the first ten chapters, but gawd I'm so annoyed that I'm not doing any art and I'm getting so frustrated and it's not leading anywhere and my scanner isn't working so I can't scan in Glass's reference sheet and for goodness sake this is leading absolutely nowhere.
So I also want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry to everyone for my awful behavior and my lying when I said I'd be back and I'm not, and I don't know if this journal is just me going in circles, although I really know I want to continue doing art, since I really want to start working on a colouring style like Kazuki Yone's, but I'm just so pissed with myself. I got a lovely message from a friend and they did mention they weren't sure if this account was abandoned or not, and that made me feel awful, but it also made me realize I really need to get my options prioritized. I'll be starting college next year, and I'll be busy then, so I really want to use the time I have now. Likewise, I'll be going to Florida in a few weeks, and I can't do anything there, and also I'll be moving so I won't have internet access for God knows how long, so I need to get stuff done NOW. This weekend is my time to fix things, I think.
So, I'm sorry everyone. To those who have beared with me: thank you. (And actually btw: I think I'll be dropping out of the admin of some groups. It's just not something I can handle with the way I am now). Really, really, really, thank you. I'll try to make up for my stupidity and lax behavior!